Before you can ever hope to be a masterful lover to a partner, you must first become a masterful lover to yourself. This is not about masturbation, although that can certainly be a part of it. This is about cultivating a deep and intimate relationship with your own sexuality. It’s about embarking on a journey of sexual self-awareness, of exploring the vast and often-uncharted territory of your own desires, your own turn-ons, your own boundaries, and your own unique sexual blueprint. This is the foundation upon which all conscious sexuality is built. If you do not know yourself, you cannot share yourself.
For most men, our sexuality is a black box. We know that we get turned on, and we know that we want to get off. But we have very little understanding of the nuances of our own arousal. We are strangers to our own bodies, and to our own hearts. We are living on the surface of our sexuality, and we are missing out on the incredible depth, power, and wisdom that lies beneath.
Sexual self-awareness is about shining a light into that black box. It’s about getting curious about your own inner world. It’s about asking yourself some fundamental questions:
•What truly turns me on? And I’m not just talking about the obvious physical stuff. What are the emotional, mental, and even spiritual qualities that you find arousing? Is it a woman’s confidence? Her intelligence? Her kindness? Her laugh? When you can get clear on what truly moves you, you can begin to seek it out in a more conscious and intentional way.
•What are my fantasies? Your fantasies are not a source of shame; they are a source of information. They are a window into your subconscious desires, your unmet needs, and your hidden potentials. You don’t have to act on every fantasy, but you do have to be willing to look at them, to understand them, and to learn from them.
•What are my boundaries? What are you a “yes” to, and what are you a “no” to? This is not just about sexual acts; it’s about emotional and energetic boundaries as well. Are you willing to have sex with someone you don’t respect? Are you willing to have sex that feels empty or disconnected? When you can get clear on your boundaries, you can begin to make choices that are in alignment with your integrity.
•What is my relationship with my own pleasure? Do you allow yourself to receive pleasure fully and unapologetically? Or do you feel guilty, ashamed, or unworthy of it? Your ability to experience pleasure is directly related to your ability to give pleasure. If you are not open to your own pleasure, you will be a closed circuit.
This is the work of a lifetime. It is a journey of self-discovery that will continue to unfold as you grow and evolve. But it is a journey that you must be willing to take if you want to move beyond the superficial and into the profound. It is the journey of becoming a sexually self-aware man. And a sexually self-aware man is a man who is not just good in bed; he is a man who is good in life.
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