Most relationships are running on a set of unstated, unexamined, and often contradictory assumptions. We inherit a vague blueprint for how a relationship is “supposed” to work from our parents, from our culture, and from Disney movies. We then project this blueprint onto our partner and expect them to magically read our minds and meet our needs. And then we wonder why we end up feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and resentful. This is a recipe for disaster. A conscious relationship is not based on assumptions; it is based on agreements.
A relationship agreement is a living, breathing document that outlines the terms of your partnership. It is a co-created set of guidelines for how you will navigate the complexities of your life together. This is not a business contract, and it’s not about trying to legislate love. It’s about replacing assumptions with clarity. It’s about making the implicit explicit. It’s about creating a shared map for your journey together.
This is not just for people in open or polyamorous relationships. Every single couple, no matter how traditional, can benefit from the process of creating a relationship agreement. The process itself is often more important than the final product. It forces you to have conversations that most couples avoid, to ask questions that most couples are afraid to ask, and to get radically honest with yourself and with your partner about what you truly want and need.
So, what goes into a relationship agreement? It can be as simple or as detailed as you want it to be, but here are some key areas to consider:
•Vision and Values: What is the purpose of your relationship? What are you trying to build together? What are your shared values? Are you partners in growth? Are you co-adventurers? Are you building a family? Get clear on your “why.”
•Communication: How will you handle conflict? What are your rules of engagement for difficult conversations? Do you agree to take a timeout when things get heated? Do you agree to never go to bed angry?
•Sex and Intimacy: What are your sexual needs and desires? How often do you want to be having sex? Are you monogamous? If so, what is your definition of monogamy? Is flirting with someone else a violation? Is watching porn? Get specific.
•Finances: How will you handle money? Will you have joint accounts, separate accounts, or a combination? Who is responsible for what? Money is one of the biggest sources of conflict in relationships. Don’t leave it to chance.
•Personal Freedom: How much time do you need for yourself? How will you support each other’s individual hobbies, friendships, and passions? A healthy relationship is made up of two whole, independent individuals.
Creating a relationship agreement is not a one-time event. It is a living document that should be revisited and revised as you and your relationship evolve. It is a tool for ongoing communication and connection. It is the operating system for your partnership.
This is not the most romantic part of a relationship. It’s not the stuff of poetry. But it is the foundation upon which all of the romance, all of the passion, and all of the intimacy is built. It is the conscious, deliberate, and loving act of designing a relationship that actually works.
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A conscious relationship is not built on assumptions. It is built on agreements.
